Slowlycatchymonkey

I cried for a week. It was so depressing and then 4 weeks later he was back cos of Covid so Im not falling for that bollox again

The eldest creative technology (writing games) which is one of the highest paid jobs straight out of Uni (good boy) the youngest... music... aargh

Oh you're in for a fun time listening to whatever she's read that applies to you

Doing the same with my son next week.

Going to go home and get one asap!

Wish I had a bike here

Blimey when you’re not ripping pics of the internet you don’t do a bad job.

Nope the crown prosecution felt the pictures spoke for themselves so the barrister didn’t even turn up, it was clearly attempted murder but for an open and shut guaranteed conviction they went for GBH. He was out in just under two years. The thing we struggled with most was he’d abused his previous girlfriend but she was too frightened to testify and so he was suddenly free to do it to someone else with no markers to follow him. His dad was very high up in the military and well connected. So well connected the day after the stabbing he turned up with an entourage, including a solicitor from Burgess Salmon who are one of the highest paid law firms in the country. You have to be very well connected to get one of those people to drop everything they are doing to defend someone they’ve never met who’s clearly guilty. Fortunately Mr Slowly knew him and told him to leave immediately. It was the freakiest time! We put it out on the internet so any Google search any potential girlfriend might do would show it up and somehow everytime the content was removed. Disappeared completely which was an almost impossible thing to do back then. Heyho. From a weird coincidence point of view it was a strong one.

So it really is time to part with my old jalopy for top dollar then?

I wouldn’t mention it if I wasn’t alright about it

Ah yes the ultra polite highly attentive well spoken boyfriend suspected she was going to dump him… she was. He was a wrongun. He vibed so badly I wouldn’t let them babysit the boys, even though a free babysitter is precious thing because underneath his ultra pleasant exterior he felt nasty, proper screwed up psycho nasty. Sometimes being right really sucks. So 9 stab wounds to her spine, chest and face. Stabbed her so hard he dislodged a tooth that they retrieved from the roof of her mouth. Her face looked like a horseshoe bat. But she was training for a marathon and ran to our house so fast the cctv can’t detect her, she’s just a blur. He with a massive global carving knife in his hand was not. He wouldnt dare come to our place Mr Slowly would have killed him. In fact it was quite a shock for me while mopping up blood to hear over the police radio that the suspect and victim where at the same A&E, where Mr Slowly was heading. I had to plead with them that two policemen wouldn’t be enough to stop him snapping the man’s neck and the policeman just shrugged. I said I know he deserves it but look at me, I have two small children he can’t go to prison, my life would be destroyed. He let out an exasperated sigh and told them over the radio Mr Slowly needed a larger guard and just in the nick of time too. The counselling for the babysitter set me back a bit

Well that’s kinda it. Tell me what you’re thinking is missing and I’ll let you know.

Oh so much more so

Ok here’s my worse and weirdest one, it’s a bit dark so I’ll try n skip the grimmest parts. My boys were about 2 and 3 years old so going out with your friends on a night out is a big deal, it involves babysitters, forward planning, the involvement of third parties just so you can possibly shower and change out of milk n food, bath waste water soaked clothes and arrive anywhere looking clean and nearly on time. It’s so much hassle you just don’t bother. But it was a besties 30th so ok I’ll do it. Mr Slowly and I would take it in turns to be the designated driver but in reality it was mostly me. This night however it was my turn and I was determined to make the most of it. About an hour in I had the most awful feeling, a sick to the pit of your stomach type feeling. I said to Mr Slowly we have to go. He was understandably perplexed and tried to talk me out of it. I was having none it and said no we have to go home NOW. My g&t arrived at that moment and Mr Slowly said surely we can stay for that? I said no we have to go right now. He was a mixture of concern like I’d lost the plot and he was a bit angry I was being so rude. I felt very embarrassed saying it in front of everyone, they were understandably a bit taken aback that I stood up from the table and was insisting on leaving before the birthday meal was even half done. I didn’t even know why myself, just that we needed to go home immediately. We get into the car and Mr Slowly is trying to understand why we had to leave so abruptly and I can’t explain. Then his mobile rings, it’s our home phone number but nobody speaks. He starts driving so fast it’s frightening, the back of the pick up is lifting as he swings round the corners at high speed. He then says “I can hear someone saying “Is it breathing?” I can hear sirens. I am now shitting a brick about my boys and we are still what should be 20 mins away. We arrive back in half the time. The driveway is so full of flashing lights we can’t get near the house. We get out of the car and I reason that with all the emergency vehicles still there the boys are either ok or dead otherwise they would have taken them to hospital by now. My legs won’t work, they are leaden and stepping towards the house I feel weighted down. Mr Slowly runs forward and is told he can’t enter the house and he suddenly balloons to what seems triple his normal size, he shove tackles one policeman to the ground and picks up the second throwing him over a police car. We enter the house, his unrecognisable sister is on the floor full of knife wounds and is so unrecognisable she is understandably an “it” rather than a “she” but somehow my babies are still asleep completely unscathed. It all turned out ok. His sisters fine, she was lucky (well in a way), she recovered, the posh global kitchen knives helped as it was easy for plastics to repair her but from that day on even though I’m very much a science research based person who will seek out and believe any reasonable explanation over hocus pocus I have never ignored that stuff again and Mr Slowly doesn’t question it either. I’d probably be burned at the stake in another era

You’re not the one who’s responsible for 8,000 fish dying in the river Sheppey after a sewage discharge are you? Feck I liked you up til now

I understand vans are still fetching good top end money due to demand. Was looking for one a few weeks ago, then I had a relapse of love with my doomed car

Drown in a pool of dispair.

Lots of people are unable to tear their eyes away from admiring the scintillating repartee…

I’m not far behind you on that Clive, I’m lucky that I’m a good lip reader but that’s hardly much of a benefit for going deaf young! Well youngish 37. Can’t believe it’s only been 10 years! Mr Slowly was knocking on the door and ringing the bell for ages this morning but I was upstairs and didn’t hear it. If he hadn’t been wearing his smart watch and been able to call he’d probably still be on the doorstep

Guarantee you it wasn’t though choice

Well there is a slight similarity. They both wear biker clothing, just one of them is also a better rider

That’ll learn ya for being community minded, won’t be agreeing to another vaccine trial I bet In seriousness though, it was an admirable thing to do and a shame to get bitten on the arse by it.

It’s actually Empress Grasshopper but she doesn’t like the hoi polloi to know she’s slummin it

Sight, hearing and now memory loss