Renegade

There's more sheep in Scotland and England than there are in Wales

Australian: "That your dog?" New Zealander: "Yep" Australian: "Mind if I speak to him?' New Zealander: "Dog don't talk.” Australian: Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doing all right." New Zealander: (look of shock) Australian: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the New Zealander) Dog: "Yep." Australian: How's he treating you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play." New Zealander: (Look of total disbelief!) Australian: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" New Zealander: "Horse don't talk.” Australian: "Hey horse how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." New Zealander: (Extreme look of shock!) Australian: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the New Zealander) Horse: "Yep." Australian: "How's he treating you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather." New Zealander: (Look of total amazement!) Australian: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" New Zealander: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”

Everytime my wife and I want to have sex,we have to say the code word 'Washing Machine.' The other night I leant over to her in bed and said,"Washing Machine." She said,"Sorry babe,I'm too tired,maybe tomorrow." After 10 minutes she felt guilty so she turned over,and whispered in my ear,"Washing Machine." I said,"Sorry love,it was only a small load so I did it by hand."

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.' Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...' Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?' Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.' Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?' Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.

To the dickhead who accused me of following his wife home from the pub last night, I know where you live!

Electric cars the truth I'm fed up of comments from people ridiculing EVs. They don't know what they're talking about. Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche. Their acceleration and handling is fantastic. They look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance and haven't depreciated since I bought them. Literally the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the sofa....

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

What type of farm are you on? I come from a dairy farm.

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the fuckin’ dishes

The Madam opened the Brothel Door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you"..?? the Madam asked. "I want Natalie," the Old Man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most Expensive Ladies, perhaps someone else"..??? "NO, I must see Natalie." the old guy exclaims. Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the Old Man, that she Charges £1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the Old Man reached into his Pocket and handed her Ten £100 notes. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie..?!?!? Natalie explained that no one had ever come back Two Nights in a Row and that there were NO Discounts. It was still £1,000 a visit. Again the Old Man took out the Money, the Two went up to the room and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the THIRD Consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the Old Man:- "No one has ever used my Services Three Nights in a Row. Where are you from Sir"..??? The Old Man replied, "I'm from Cardiff "Really"..?? replied Natalie. "I have Family who Lives there." she replies. "Yes, I Know," said the old man. "Your Father Died recently, and I'm your Sister's Attorney". * "And she asked me to give this £3,000, when I saw you"..