Renegade

Christmas poem (adult). Christmas is coming, the goose is full of fat, soon be time for santa, the fucking bearded twat. He'll be coming down the chimney, with chinese toys of cack, he nearly got wedged up there, thanks to his bulging fucking sack. He likes to have a snack or two, and then a drink or three. He's had a fair bit earlier and is busting for a pee. Next, he'll nick your festive grub and chow down on your kippers then shite one in your flower tub, and piss in both your slippers. The dirty smelly wanker ain't had a wash in weeks. It's worse than body odour, the stinky bastard reeks! He's mixed the beer with lemonade, and drunk six pints of shandy, had seven shots of whiskey and half a pint of brandy. He's lurched around the living room, and crashed into the sofa, fell over on a dog chew and knocked the tree clean over. So whilst our drunken santa is behaving like a prawn, his dirty fucking reindeer are all shagging on the lawn. So now he's had his fill of booze, he's ready to depart. And nearly wakes the whole house up with a fucking thunderous fart. He's picked his nose, he's scratched his arse, and then he's touched your food. The dirty unwashed bastard really is so fucking rude. Thank god he's gone outside now, and got into his sleigh. At last the foul old tosser has finally gone away. That's it for another year. And thank fuck for that. It's time to brick the chimney up that will sort the twat!

murphy calls to see his mate paddy, who has a broken leg. paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

While riding my Harley, I swerved to to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think, " I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now ." Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess!"

Same as mine.

The Lord called Noah one day and said, "Noah, I need you to build another ark." "What, like the last one?" Noah replied. "Er, no..I need this one to have 6 stories." "So do you want me to lead all the animals 2 by 2 into the ark?" Noah asked. "No," said God, "I want you to just take fish on board." Noah asked, "What kind of fish?" "Just carp." replied God "Why just carp?" asked Noah ~ Wait for it '~ God quipped, "Because I've always wanted a multi story carp ark!!..