Renegade

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and again says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and decides to signal back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the hell was that?" She replies... EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

Yes Bob, I was 21 when it became law June 1st 1973.

Loads of times

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am..!' The first one says, 'So am I..! And where about in Ireland are ya from..?' The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin..?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I..! So did I..! And what school did ya go to..?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I..! Tell me, what year did you graduate..?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us..! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight..! Can you believe it..? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self..!' About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian..?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are fucking drunk again.

Went for a nice ride today. Lovely and sunny but a bit cold when the wind picked up. 130 miles in total via Brecon Beacons over to Llandovery and then back home via the Black Mountains.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls' getaway trip, shopping, casinos, massages, and facials. Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do? Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine. "Wow, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over... On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want. So here I am."

Greater Manchester Police have reported finding a man's body in the River Irwell at Old Trafford. The dead man's name will not be released until his family have identified the body. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a Harley Davidson T-shirt he also had a large cucumber inserted in his rectum. The police have removed the Harley Davidson T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. In spite of what we sometimes think... The Police do care...