Your Funny Stories

[Tango]

So as not to keep hijacking Yen's Stories thread I thought that I'd start a kind of parallel thread for people's funny stories. Many of us have been around for a good long time and seen and heard all sorts of funny stuff. 

So, to lighten the mood, let's hear your stories and anecdotes. 

[XTreme]

I got stuck in the women's toilets in Strensham Services back in the 80's! 

[Tango]

I was thinking earlier about some of the characters that I've worked with over the years and some of the things they've done or we've done. One story that I remembered had me laughing to myself:

In my last company there was an engineer that was originally from South London, but he now lives on the south coast.

Frank was in the paratroopers for a while before he had a career change. He was a couple of years older than me. Frank isn't that tall, but he is as broad as he is tall and there doesn't seem to be a discernible neck attaching his shaved head to his body! 

Anyway, Frank used to occasionally get sent from his home at the seaside to jobs in London, which he absolutely hated. He'd get the train up to the city, get the job done as quickly as possible and head back to his haven.

One day he had a job in St Thomas' Hospital on the South Bank, opposite the houses of Parliament.  It didn't go well and he was there all day and into the evening. When he left the hospital he was in an absolutely foul mood and tramped back towards Waterloo Station to get the train home. On the walk back he was approached by a young guy who pulled a knife and demanded Frank's wallet. Frank squared up to the youth, glowering at him and snarled "do I look like a fucking victim to you?!!" The lad stared at Frank for a second, with his mouth open, then turned around and ran away!

Frank was a lovely guy, but you didn't want to get on the wrong side of him!

[XTreme]

I worked with a guy who had been everywhere, done everything, knew everything......you know the type.

It was in a motor factors in Swansea in the late 70's......I was about 24/25.......he was mid thirties and originally from London.

I remember one time I asked him if he was in the Swinging Sixties London scene.......and he came out with all this shit about kipping at Hendrix's flat, being in the studio when "All you need is Love" was recorded, out drinking with Keith Moon etc. 

So I asked him was it true with the Mick Jagger - Marianne Faithful Mars Bar story?

He turned to me, and said absolutely emphatically......"Too bleedin right it's true.......cos Mick used my Mars Bar to do it".

[Tango]

4 minutes ago, XTreme said:

I worked with a guy who had been everywhere, done everything, knew everything......you know the type.

It was in a motor factors in Swansea in the late 70's......I was about 24/25.......he was mid thirties and originally from London.

I remember one time I asked him if he was in the Swinging Sixties London scene.......and he came out with all this shit about kipping at Hendrix's flat, being in the studio when "All you need is Love" was recorded, out drinking with Keith Moon etc. 

So I asked him was it true with the Mick Jagger - Marianne Faithful Mars Bar story?

He turned to me, and said absolutely emphatically......"Too bleedin right it's true.......cos Mick used my Mars Bar to do it".

Quality!

[Tango]

Another thing about Frank that used to make us laugh was that every now and then he'd get sent to a job in Essex.  So Frank would drive up from his home and through the Dartford tunnel to get to the job. That was all ok, but on the way back he'd drive into London and go through Blackwall tunnel to get home, which was the long way back. Frank was an ex paratrooper, but he was afraid of heights, so he wouldn't drive back over the QEII bridge at Dartford because it was too high!

[Tango]

11 minutes ago, Mawsley said:

Did you have to wait till it went soft?

I had to use the toilet on a transatlantic flight one time for a shit. I flushed the toilet and the little flap dropped down and there were the usual sucking and whooshing noises ( you'll know what I mean if you've used an airplane bog) and the flap swung back up with my turd still firmly attached! I tried a couple more flushes, but it wasn't letting go! In the end I had to wrap some bog roll around my hand and give it a nudge whilst flushing, which did the trick, but by this time there was a reasonable queue outside waiting to use the bog. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone as I made my way back to my seat!

[XTreme]

I've mentioned this one in the past, but it may not be familiar to everybody!

This one goes back to 1972 and there was this one guy, Dai Tanner, who used to fall off his bike! A lot!

Back in those days we were always in a pack......so it was guaranteed he was going to do it in front of everybody at some point.

And the first time he did it......he started crying! Everybody was horrified cos he was shaming us (this was the Greaser/Skinhead era).......so he got told that if he cried again he'd get a twatting.

Sure enough he kept falling off......and everytime he did he started his snivelling. So we'd all run over to him (even if he was still on the floor) and give him a fucking belting! 

If anybody missed the run, and they found out he'd been crying, they'd just give him another fucking smack as soon as they saw him. He gave up bikes in the end. Maybe it wasn't for him.

[Sir Fallsalot]

I'll start off with something from my early teens. In Quakers yard where i lived there was a caravan site which was used by the council to house people and we were always messing about there. Our favourite prank at the time was to get hold of a caravan and shake the fuck out of it then run. As well as the shaking prank we used to knock the power off for the caravan as the main isolator was in a small shed outside every van, that used to really wind them up. The favorite caravan to shake was lived in by a bloke in his 30's it was our favourite because he was a chaser and he was fast he used to explode out the van door and give us a good run really got the adrenaline going 

One night we decided to step things up a bit so before we shook his van we removed the small metal steps from outside the door then grabbed a hold and shook like our lives depended on it, i was closest to the door and can still picture it in my head now all i could see was the door explode open and this foot come out to land on the steps that were no longer there he done a full on head first into his garden shed and fell in a heap on the floor which was a good job for us as we were laughing so hard we could hardly run 

[yen_powell]

An old bloke at work had a beard and hair at the sides, the rest was bald. Standard issue if you know what I mean.

One day he walked in quietly with a completely shaved head, like an egg it was. We all asked of course and he gave some story about the guard falling off the electric trimmers and once he had made a slot in his remaining hair he thought he should take it all off. It later turned out he and his brother in law had both been drunk and agreed to shave each others head. He went first, then his brother in law said he'd changed his mind and ran away.

BUT, the funny thing was, we had a new young Nigerian lad, a real innocent, not long in the country and with a loud sing song voice. He walked through the door and without even slowing down as he walked past, his sing song voice went, "Hallo Kojak."

[Tango]

There was a lad that I did my apprenticeship with called Micky. His knickname was Desperate, after Desperate Dan the comic character who ate cow pies. So, Milky was a big lad, 6'3" at least and probably around 18 stone. On the rare occasions that he shaved before work he'd have a really dark 6 o'clock shadow by lunchtime. He also had the thickest NHS glasses that I'd ever seen and his eyesight was still shocking. He used to ride a CZ 250.

Anyway, he went on holiday from Kent, where he lived, to Norfolk broads with his mum and brother. Because his mum's car was a bit small for them all to fit into along with their luggage Micky volunteered to follow his mum's car up there on his bike.

When they got to Dartford tunnel his mum stopped at the toll barrier to pay, but Micky didn't and ran straight into the back of the car and ended up on the roof! 

They had hired a boat on the broads for a week, but because of his shocking eyesight, he hit a bridge and took all the windows out down one side of it within a couple of days. 

I think that Micky's CZ had the forks bent more often than they were straight!

[boboneleg]

19 hours ago, XTreme said:

I got stuck in the women's toilets in Strensham Services back in the 80's! 

That's really not much of a story is it Pete, needs fleshing out a bit methinks...............

[yen_powell]

7 minutes ago, boboneleg said:

That's really not much of a story is it Pete, needs fleshing out a bit methinks...............

Yes, perhaps add a dash of excremental detail, that's what I would do.

[boboneleg]

When we used to be going to clubs in our early twenties there was a young lady of our acquaintance who was known as 'matchmakers' ( as long as she was out of ear shot).  For our non-uk folks Matchmakers are a long thin chocolate candy that you buy in a box .............

 

Anyway, when I first enquired as to why she had received this nickname I was told that it was her fancy to have a matchmaker inserted into her frontal area (not her mouth) and then you had to eat it.  This was a form a foreplay for her and no real sex action would begin until most of the box was empty

A mate of mine was chosen one night by said lady and on the way to her flat was going into every corner shop desperately trying to secure a box of matchmakers.  When they got back to her flat the games commenced but after a while  she enquired as to why there were cruching noises and what the strange smell was ?

He had failed to get any matchmakers and had substituted them for a bag of twiglets............... (twiglets are a savoury snack covered in marmite  and definitely not covered in chocolate)

 

He was immediately kicked out by the lady without getting a shag and was called a fucking cheapskate to boot

[XTreme]

14 minutes ago, boboneleg said:

That's really not much of a story is it Pete, needs fleshing out a bit methinks...............

This was about 1988/89! I got to Strensham Services about 7am in the middle of Winter!

All the car park area was in darkness (seemed like a power cut) so I ran into the bog busting for a shit.

Had a shit, just about to leave and lights came on.......then I heard clicking of heels and women's voices! I was in the womens! 

Waited for them to leave and as I started to open the cubicle.....more women's voices. Fucking loads of them because a bunch of coaches had now turned up.

Back in the cubicle and sat waiting for silence again. This went on for about an hour or so until the coast was clear to make an escape!

I was fucking close to getting put on the Sex Offenders register!

[yen_powell]

2 hours ago, XTreme said:

 

I was fucking close to getting put on the Sex Offenders register!

If you're not prepared to put the effort in you deserve to fail the entrance exam.

[Sir Fallsalot]

3 hours ago, XTreme said:

This was about 1988/89! I got to Strensham Services about 7am in the middle of Winter!

All the car park area was in darkness (seemed like a power cut) so I ran into the bog busting for a shit.

Had a shit, just about to leave and lights came on.......then I heard clicking of heels and women's voices! I was in the womens! 

Waited for them to leave and as I started to open the cubicle.....more women's voices. Fucking loads of them because a bunch of coaches had now turned up.

Back in the cubicle and sat waiting for silence again. This went on for about an hour or so until the coast was clear to make an escape!

I was fucking close to getting put on the Sex Offenders register!

I remember going into a toilet busting for a piss and went straight into a shitter as it was closest to the door, had my wee with the door open turned around and there was a bloke just staring at me, i started washing my hands when this bloke said lost are you, No i said why, the bloke said your in the ladies, i said are you sure then the bloke said yes standing in a look at me what do you think i am way, i looked him up and down trying to work out what this bloke was on about, are you sure your sure i said and then i noticed no urinals this bloke was a woman but looked more like a man than i did i apologised and left a bit red faced 

[XTreme]

7 minutes ago, Sir Fallsalot said:

I remember going into a toilet busting for a piss and went straight into a shitter as it was closet to the door, had my wee with the door open turned around and there was a bloke just staring at me, i started washing my hands when this bloke said lost are you, No i said why, the bloke said your in the ladies, i said are you sure then the bloke said yes standing in a look at me what do you think i am way, i looked him up and down trying to work out what this bloke was on about, are you sure your sure i said and then i noticed no urinals this bloke was a woman but looked more like a man than i did i apologised and left a bit red faced 

You fucking deviant!

[yen_powell]

2 minutes ago, Sir Fallsalot said:

I remember going into a toilet busting for a piss and went straight into a shitter as it was closet to the door, had my wee with the door open turned around and there was a bloke just staring at me, i started washing my hands when this bloke said lost are you, No i said why, the bloke said your in the ladies, i said are you sure then the bloke said yes standing in a look at me what do you think i am way, i looked him up and down trying to work out what this bloke was on about, are you sure your sure i said and then i noticed no urinals this bloke was a woman but looked more like a man than i did i apologised and left a bit red faced 

I was on the clothes counter part of a Christmas day homeless charity thing about 10 years ago, Shelter or Crisis or similar. I was one of three, the other two were teenagers. You know in your head you think you are the same person you were in your teens, you really aren't, you do get a bit more sensible. They were nice lads, very keen, but also pretty hopeless. I'd seen them earlier filling a deep tray with water to take it to the tea urn, sloshing everywhere, whereas when it was my turn I just went and bought a large bottle of mineral water then refilled that from the tap after the first empty. Clothes on the counter we were now on were there to hand out all right, but still in black bags, exactly as donated, no one had had the time to sort them, so it was a bit hectic, you got a request and it was search like a mad thing, guessing sizes and hoping for the best.

I had heard one person give her name to the next section which was doing footwear so I knew it was a lady. Unfortunately when she moved along to us she asked one of the teenagers if we had any jeans to fit her, he replied with, "Sorry mate, we are all out of men's jeans". She looked at him stonily and said, " I am a woman". He went the colour only a teenager can go and was mortified.

[XTreme]

40 minutes ago, yen_powell said:

I was on the clothes counter part of a Christmas day homeless charity thing about 10 years ago

So the only way you can get rid of your old pants is to give them to homeless people?

If they wear those they're going to be homeless for a lot fucking longer!

[Sir Fallsalot]

This one was when i was about 13 year old . At the time they were constructing the A470 from Quakers yard to Merthyr Tydfil which passed about 200 yards from my parents house and was pretty exciting for me as there were lots of machines to watch working and they were blasting rock with dynamite of some sort and of course a lot of mischief to be had when everyone had gone home for the night, But this was also exciting for my father for him there was a supply of free building materials to be had, so one frosty morning my father walked over  to have his daily viewing of progress but today he was checking out where they were storing the sheets of plywood he needed, after he made a good mental note of the route to his bounty as there was no lighting over there in the night and he couldn't take a torch in case security saw him mooching about. He heads out about 9pm he was back about 5 minutes later wet from head to toe, during the day they had dug a big fuck off hole on route to his bounty and it had filled with icy cold water which my father walked straight into he went in over his head. My eldest brother told me the next day he was walking his new girlfriend home past our house at the time and this man ran past them with water splashing everywhere out of his wellies and said alright boy as he went past his girlfriend said who was that he replied my dad with his hand over his face embarrassed  

[XTreme]

1 minute ago, Sir Fallsalot said:

This one was when i was about 13 year old . At the time they were constructing the A470 from Quakers yard to Merthyr Tydfil which passed about 200 yards from my parents house and was pretty exciting for me as there were lots of machines to watch working and they were blasting rock with dynamite of some sort and of course a lot of mischief to be had when everyone had gone home for the night, But this was also exciting for my father for him there was a supply of free building materials to be had, so one frosty morning my father walked over to the to have his daily viewing of progress but today he was checking out where they were storing the sheets of plywood he needed, after he made a good mental note of the route to his bounty as there was no lighting over there in the night and he couldn't take a torch in case security saw him mooching about. He heads out about 9pm he was back about 5 minutes later wet from head to toe, during the day they had dug a big fuck off hole on route to his bounty and it had filled with icy cold water which my father walked straight into he went in over his head. My eldest brother told me the next day he was walking his new girlfriend home past our house at the time and this man ran past them with water splashing everywhere out of his wellies and said alright boy as he went past his girlfriend said who was that he replied my dad with his hand over his face embarrassed  

Your old man was from Swansea then Fred? 

[Sir Fallsalot]

1 minute ago, XTreme said:

Your old man was from Swansea then Fred? 

No he was an upmarket thief 

[Sir Fallsalot]

On 03/09/2021 at 21:25, Sir Fallsalot said:

This one was when i was about 13 year old . At the time they were constructing the A470 from Quakers yard to Merthyr Tydfil which passed about 200 yards from my parents house and was pretty exciting for me as there were lots of machines to watch working and they were blasting rock with dynamite of some sort and of course a lot of mischief to be had when everyone had gone home for the night, But this was also exciting for my father for him there was a supply of free building materials to be had, so one frosty morning my father walked over  to have his daily viewing of progress but today he was checking out where they were storing the sheets of plywood he needed, after he made a good mental note of the route to his bounty as there was no lighting over there in the night and he couldn't take a torch in case security saw him mooching about. He heads out about 9pm he was back about 5 minutes later wet from head to toe, during the day they had dug a big fuck off hole on route to his bounty and it had filled with icy cold water which my father walked straight into he went in over his head. My eldest brother told me the next day he was walking his new girlfriend home past our house at the time and this man ran past them with water splashing everywhere out of his wellies and said alright boy as he went past his girlfriend said who was that he replied my dad with his hand over his face embarrassed  

To follow on from this my father decided to have second attempt at getting some sheets of plywood, on this attempt he spotted the security guards land rover headlights approaching as he was half way across the site with a sheet of plywood, so to hide he lay in a cold damp tractor rut with the sheet of plywood on top of him. The security guard stopped right where he lay got out and patrolled the area with his flashlight then got back in his land rover and just sat there for the best part of an hour before he moved on. Again the old man came home empty handed too cold and wet to bother with the plywood 

[XTreme]

1 minute ago, Sir Fallsalot said:

To follow on from this my father decided to have second attempt at getting some sheets of plywood, on this attempt he spotted the security guards land rover headlights approaching as he was half way across the site with a sheet of plywood, so to hide he lay in a cold damp tractor rut with the sheet of plywood on top of him. The security guard stopped right where he lay got out and patrolled the area with his flashlight then got back in his land rover and just sat there for the best part of an hour before he moved on. Again the old man came home empty handed too cold and wet to bother with the plywood 

What an amateur! If he was a Jack he'd have got away with the wood, the LandRover and the security guard's wallet!