Your Funny Stories

[yen_powell]

This is a story told to me by my late Mum about my Dad. Both my Mum and dad lived in the same road as children, Goresbrook Avenue in Dagenham, not far from the large Ford factory.

Apparently when my dad was little, say 3 or 4, his much older brother was due to get married. It was late in the war so rationing was going on and a second hand suit had been purchased and was being lovingly repaired, ironed and prepared in the front room. My Grandad had cycled off early in the morning to the newsagent at The Heathway to get his Sunday paper. As he was pedalling back there was a large explosion that blew him off his bicycle, possibly a V1 or V2 nearby on the green. Unhurt he got back on and pedalled back home only to find the houses, including his, all missing their windows and doors.

My Nan and my Dad were both still in bed when my Grandad left so he was in a panic that they had been hurt by the flying glass. When he jumped off his pushbike to run into the house he couldn't get up the stairs as the front door was wedged half way up and jammed at an angle there.

He was calling out as he wrestled with the door to get past it before finally running into the back bedroom where my Dad should have been. He wasn't there so he went into the front bedroom and found my Nan and Dad in bed with glass all around them, but unhurt. There was a piece of metal buried in the wall just above the headboard. My Nan used to tell my Mum that my Dad had saved her life because he had come into the room complaining of belly ache whilst she was sitting up in bed with her head where the metal fragment would have hit. She had let him into the bed and they had both laid down in the hope he would go back to sleep not long before the explosion.

My grandad was relieved until he checked out the rest of the house ands found the suit for the wedding had gone. He was convinced a neighbour had been in and stolen it whilst he was upstairs sorting everything out and clearing up glass so my Nan and Dad could get out of bed without slicing their feet up.

The suit's location was revealed when the first fire of of Autumn was lit and smoke filled the room choking everyone. The pressure from the blast had sucked it up the chimney.

Goresbrook Road today, the green (and the Gore stream) it faces is on the right.

 

 

 

[XTreme]

2 minutes ago, yen_powell said:

This is a story told to me by my late Mum about my Dad. Both my Mum and dad lived in the same road as children, Goresbrook Avenue in Dagenham, not far from the large Ford factory.

Apparently when my dad was little, say 3 or 4, his much older brother was due to get married. It was late in the war so rationing was going on and a second hand suit had been purchased and was being lovingly repaired, ironed and prepared in the front room. My Grandad had cycled off early in the morning to the newsagent at The Heathway to get his Sunday paper. As he was pedalling back there was a large explosion that blew him off his bicycle, possibly a V1 or V2 nearby on the green. Unhurt he got back on and pedalled back home only to find the houses, including his, all missing their windows and doors.

My Nan and my Dad were both still in bed when my Grandad left so he was in a panic that they had been hurt by the flying glass. When he jumped off his pushbike to run into the house he couldn't get up the stairs as the front door was wedged half way up and jammed at an angle there.

He was calling out as he wrestled with the door to get past it before finally running into the back bedroom where my Dad should have been. He wasn't there so he went into the front bedroom and found my Nan and Dad in bed with glass all around them, but unhurt. There was a piece of metal buried in the wall just above the headboard. My Nan used to tell my Mum that my Dad had saved her life because he had come into the room complaining of belly ache whilst she was sitting up in bed with her head where the metal fragment would have hit. She had let him into the bed and they had both laid down in the hope he would go back to sleep not long before the explosion.

My grandad was relieved until he checked out the rest of the house ands found the suit for the wedding had gone. He was convinced a neighbour had been in and stolen it whilst he was upstairs sorting everything out and clearing up glass so my Nan and Dad could get out of bed without slicing their feet up.

The suit's location was revealed when the first fire of of Autumn was lit and smoke filled the room choking everyone. The pressure from the blast had sucked it up the chimney.

Goresbrook Road today, the green (and the Gore stream) it faces is on the right.

 

Wow.......what a story Yen!

[boboneleg]

1 hour ago, yen_powell said:

This is a story told to me by my late Mum about my Dad. Both my Mum and dad lived in the same road as children, Goresbrook Avenue in Dagenham, not far from the large Ford factory.

Apparently when my dad was little, say 3 or 4, his much older brother was due to get married. It was late in the war so rationing was going on and a second hand suit had been purchased and was being lovingly repaired, ironed and prepared in the front room. My Grandad had cycled off early in the morning to the newsagent at The Heathway to get his Sunday paper. As he was pedalling back there was a large explosion that blew him off his bicycle, possibly a V1 or V2 nearby on the green. Unhurt he got back on and pedalled back home only to find the houses, including his, all missing their windows and doors.

My Nan and my Dad were both still in bed when my Grandad left so he was in a panic that they had been hurt by the flying glass. When he jumped off his pushbike to run into the house he couldn't get up the stairs as the front door was wedged half way up and jammed at an angle there.

He was calling out as he wrestled with the door to get past it before finally running into the back bedroom where my Dad should have been. He wasn't there so he went into the front bedroom and found my Nan and Dad in bed with glass all around them, but unhurt. There was a piece of metal buried in the wall just above the headboard. My Nan used to tell my Mum that my Dad had saved her life because he had come into the room complaining of belly ache whilst she was sitting up in bed with her head where the metal fragment would have hit. She had let him into the bed and they had both laid down in the hope he would go back to sleep not long before the explosion.

My grandad was relieved until he checked out the rest of the house ands found the suit for the wedding had gone. He was convinced a neighbour had been in and stolen it whilst he was upstairs sorting everything out and clearing up glass so my Nan and Dad could get out of bed without slicing their feet up.

The suit's location was revealed when the first fire of of Autumn was lit and smoke filled the room choking everyone. The pressure from the blast had sucked it up the chimney.

Goresbrook Road today, the green (and the Gore stream) it faces is on the right.

 

 

 

Around the Dagenham area Yen, were there houses that were built for the Ford workers and owned by the company ?

[Tango]

When I was in the first year of my apprenticeship we were in the training school, which was an old building in what they called the mill on Trundley's Road in Deptford, south London. 

At lunchtime we would shoot over to the works canteen in the main factory and bolt our dinner down and then head to a small park nearby to kick a football around. Some of the older guys from the main factory also used to get over the park for a game of footie, so it wasn't long before we were involved in daily matches of the apprentices v the guys from the various other departments. 

One of the guys, Ken, was the senior shop steward for the site. Everyone called him Hippo, but he was pretty light on his feet for a big guy. He was pretty fearsome too and the management at the factory hated dealing with him, because most were scared of him.

Anyway, after one lunchtime footie match, we got back to the training school a little late. Shortly after we got back the training manager stormed into our training room and started ranting about how he'd seen us get back late. So he told us that from then on we would have to clock-out at the clocking station when we went to lunch and clock back in when we got back.

We did this for a day or 2, when at one of our lunchtime footie matches we suddenly grabbed our stuff and said we had to get back. Hippo said "come on lads, let's finish the game. There's no rush" But we said that we had to get back to clock-in after lunch. "You fuckin' what?!!!" he said. We then explained what had happened a couple of days earlier. "OK lads, leave that with me"

That afternoon we saw Hippo and a couple of the other shop stewards heading towards the training school. A while later we heard shouting from the training manager's office. It eventually went quiet and the door of our training room opened and in walked Hippo. "You don't need to clock- out at lunchtime any more, Lads, and if that cunt tries anything like that again let me know"

We didn't see the training manager again for a few days after that, but he was very sheepish when we did see him!

 

[yen_powell]

11 hours ago, boboneleg said:

Around the Dagenham area Yen, were there houses that were built for the Ford workers and owned by the company ?

I haven't heard of that, but it's entirely possible. Most of the houses were built as part of the giant council estate. I think it's an anniversary soon.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Becontree

Looked up about bomb damage and found this reference, this is only a small area, you can walk across it an hour,  they got off very lightly, barring the suit of course.

During the Second World War, there was a total of 426 fatal casualities, and 1178 seriously injured people, while 1297 properties had to be demolished and a further 12743 properties were badly damaged across Barking and Dagenham.

[Catteeclan]

14 hours ago, boboneleg said:

Around the Dagenham area Yen, were there houses that were built for the Ford workers and owned by the company ?

I thought that was the wealthy land owners with the huge estates, mill and various mine owners.

[XTreme]

It was late 1973 and this bird I was going out with said her mother was going to be away for the night and did I want to stay? Well it would have been rude not to.

Anyway.....about 8 am the following morning I woke up and heard the front door go. She looked outside and said her mother had got back! 

The bird said to grab my clothes and get in the cupboard, then make a break through the front door when the coast was clear!! So in I went.......bollocks naked holding all my clothes.

Her mother came in the bedroom to take a look and I'm in the wardrobe trying not to breathe in case I gave myself away. Then her and her mother went downstairs towards the dining room and kitchen at the back of the house.

In a blind panic I ran for the front door and straight out onto the pavement.......completely forgetting that I was carrying my clothes not wearing them! 

So there was I.....on the street bollocks naked in front of a bus stop full of people who were waiting for the bus to go to work.

Even worse was that it was a rather cold morning.......so I wasn't physically at my best!

[boboneleg]

1 hour ago, Catteeclan said:

I thought that was the wealthy land owners with the huge estates, mill and various mine owners.

In Bristol, WD&HO Wills and the English Corrugated Paper co both had workers houses where the occupants paid a reduced rent straight out of their wages

[yen_powell]

1 hour ago, XTreme said:

It was late 1973 and this bird I was going out with said her mother was going to be away for the night and did I want to stay? Well it would have been rude not to.

Anyway.....about 8 am the following morning I woke up and heard the front door go. She looked outside and said her mother had got back! 

The bird said to grab my clothes and get in the cupboard, then make a break through the front door when the coast was clear!! So in I went.......bollocks naked holding all my clothes.

Her mother came in the bedroom to take a look and I'm in the wardrobe trying not to breathe in case I gave myself away. Then her and her mother went downstairs towards the dining room and kitchen at the back of the house.

In a blind panic I ran for the front door and straight out onto the pavement.......completely forgetting that I was carrying my clothes not wearing them! 

So there was I.....on the street bollocks naked in front of a bus stop full of people who were waiting for the bus to go to work.

Even worse was that it was a rather cold morning.......so I wasn't physically at my best!

Oh to be young again

My girlfriend and I were walking up the yard behind her parents' house one dark evening, probably checking the chickens/ducks were locked up after a fox attack previously, her mum and dad would have been in the house. We saw a caravan as were were walking up the yard, looked at each other and opened the door and went inside. I think her dad had just bought it for selling on.

A few key items of clothing were off, but then we must have moved off centre because it suddenly tipped up a fair bit, one end hitting the ground with a tump. No jacks down, just resting on the two proper wheels and the jockey wheel. Ruins the moment when you are trying to find clothes you put down in total pitch darkness before her parents come to investigate.

[boboneleg]

I can remember hiding under a girls bed in a pub on Gloucester Road, she thought her mum was busy pulling pints downstairs and we got a bit of a shock when we heard her coming up the stairs. 

My eventual escape was down the fire escape at the back of the pub and climbing over the wall into Bristol North swimming baths

[XTreme]

Here's one I remembered.....it goes back to 1980 when Graham Bonnet was in Rainbow with his "James Dean" look!

I thought that look was great and as my hair was pretty much like that anyway I just got myself a Hawaiian shirt! 

Well me and a mate went to the Talk of the Abbey in Neath on heavy metal night......all Neath subhumans who looked like Lemmy there. And me with my Graham Bonnet look.

I went to the bog and this fucking huge twat and his mates came up to me and say "You're in the wrong place mush.......you better fuck off now while you can". I thought......here we fucking go! So I went to find my mate to give him the heads up......and he'd gone up onto the balcony and was standing by the bar there.

As I was telling him there was a problem I accidentally hit his glass over! It started rolling off the bar, so I dived forward quickly to grab the glass, and in doing so my ass must have swung backwards! I felt a bump from behind, and as I turned round I saw a pair of feet disappearing over the top of the balcony! Then a smash and a lot of screaming coming from below!

It appeared that at the very same time I leant forward, the subhuman who'd threatened me was walking past behind me! And my ass had hit him clean over the balcony and he'd fallen 20 foot onto the tables and floor below!

I said to my mate we'd better get out quick......he said I gotta go to the bog first. When he came back he told me that guy was laid out in the toilet, and all his mates were going "See that fucking poof in the Hawaiian shirt out there! He's hard as fuck.....he just threw (whatever the bloke's name was) over the top of the fucking balcony". 

[Sir Fallsalot]

Still in my early teens me and a mate Wayne used to go hunting together and walking the railway line was one of our regular routes. one day we were on the viaduct and came across a dead sheep it had been sliced open by a train and its entrails were hanging out, we looked over the edge of the viaduct and below was a lone fisherman fly fishing on what we called the island which was out in the river, so me and Wayne looked at each other and started giggling are you thinking what i'm thinking he said we grabbed a pair of legs each and one two threeeeee and over the sheep went, as soon as it left our hands for me everything went into slow motion i looked over and could see the entrails were flapping about like a failed parachute as the sheep fell and the guy below casting and reeling in his lure totally oblivious of what was about to happen the sheep hit the ground feet from the guy he hit he deck in shock me and Wayne collapsed laughing next thing we know there's a guy running down the track screaming at us we start running but we are laughing so hard it was difficult to run, luckily the guy chasing us had already run about quarter of a mile up hill so he was too fucked to carry on and we got away 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

I got together with Mr Slowly pretty young and once when he went away for a bit longer than usual I started to wonder what do single girls do? Inexperienced as I was in the variety of solo fun to be had I rifled through his selection of videos for grown ups, broke open the baby oil a started a voyage but the dog was in the garden and would not stop bloody barking. I go out into the garden to get him and the door swings shut behind me. Im now locked outside in only a bathrobe plastered in baby oil. Theres an upstairs window ajar but I have no way of getting to it.

I know they leave the keys in the milk floats in the yard half a mile up the lane so I walk barefoot in the dark up the road praying to not see anyone. Its an unlit single track road but it was a full moon so easy enough to see. I score a Honda Acty (hilarious vehicles, if you get a chance to have a go in one please do) and drive to my Dads house to borrow a ladder. By now its about 11.30pm and my Pa is quite far down a bottle of whisky so is oblivious to the fact Ive turned up barefoot in a bathrobe and waxes lyrical about his new carpet for what seemed like an eternity, eventually I interrupt and ask if he's still got any of mums clothes, he finds me a pair of jeans, a short vest and lends me a ladder not even asking why I need it. He's a good dad.

I get back and start the window ascent but the ladder is a bit too short so Im now precariously standing on the very top of its folding elbows, I hoick myself upward and lose the ladder and my mums baggy jeans. Somehow this innocent(ish) venture has turned into me hanging out of a window half naked with my shiny arse mooning at the moon. 

The MOD used to decommission bombs in the Bristol channel and they were not allowed to stop their vehicles. They drove a a constant fast speed directly at you down the lane, it was up to you to get out of their way. Im still dangling out of the window when I hear their powerful sounding engine and sure enough a blacked out Range Rovers was approaching at speed. Well turns out they can stop if they want to. Im not sure exactly how long they sat there looking at this spectacle because for me it seemed to go on forever but they did help me find the strength to scrabble the rest of the way in

[XTreme]

45 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

I got together with Mr Slowly pretty young and once when he went away for a bit longer than usual I started to wonder what do single girls do? Inexperienced as I was in the variety of solo fun to be had I rifled through his selection of videos for grown ups, broke open the baby oil a started a voyage but the dog was in the garden and would not stop bloody barking. I go out into the garden to get him and the door swings shut behind me. Im now locked outside in only a bathrobe plastered in baby oil. Theres an upstairs window ajar but I have no way of getting to it.

I know they leave the keys in the milk floats in the yard half a mile up the lane so I walk barefoot in the dark up the road praying to not see anyone. Its an unlit single track road but it was a full moon so easy enough to see. I take a Honda Acty (hilarious vehicles, if you get a chance to have a go in one please do) and drive to my Dads house to borrow a ladder. By now its about 11.30pm and my Pa is quite far down a bottle of whisky so is oblivious to the fact Ive turned up barefoot in a bathrobe and waxes lyrical about his new carpet for what seemed like an eternity, eventually I interrupt and ask if he's still got any of mums clothes, he finds me a pair of jeans, a short vest and lends me a ladder not even asking why I need it. He's a good dad.

I get back and start the window ascent but the ladder is a bit too short so Im now precariously standing on the very top of its folding elbows, I hoick myself upward and lose the ladder and my mums baggy jeans. Somehow this innocent(ish) venture has turned into me hanging out of a window half naked with my shiny arse mooning at the moon. 

The MOD used to decommission bombs in the Bristol channel and they were not allowed to stop their vehicles. They drove a a constant fast speed directly at you down the lane, it was up to you to get out of their way. Im still dangling out of the window when I hear their powerful sounding engine and sure enough a blacked out Range Rovers was approaching at speed. Well turns out they can stop if they want to. Im not sure exactly how long they sat there looking at this spectacle because for me it seemed to go on forever but they did help me find the strength to scrabble the rest of the way in

Any photos? 

[skyrider]

14 minutes ago, XTreme said:

Any photos? 

i bet not 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

14 minutes ago, XTreme said:

Any photos? 

Probably down at the MOD place

[boboneleg]

18 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Probably down at the MOD place

Very funny    Did you live near Puriton at the time ?

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

38 minutes ago, boboneleg said:

Very funny    Did you live near Puriton at the time ?

The MOD place was passed the Woodspring Priory. They closed it down a long time ago, after they lost their second bomb in the channel. Idiots hadn't secured it properly, and they didn't tell anyone there were bombs loose somewhere in the Channel! One of them washed on the beach and the other was never found. We only know about it because one of the girls used to go down there for a bit of fun and sexed up men are loose lipped 

The whole house would shake like an earthquake was going on and the electricity would dip out but it was great to watch the water flying miles into the air. I don't know how they got away with blowing things up there for as long as they did considering its the main drag into the docks.

Here you go

https://www.somersetlive.co.uk/news/somerset-news/ministry-defence-explosives-test-site-5588427

[boboneleg]

1 hour ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

The MOD place was passed the Woodspring Priory. They closed it down a long time ago, after they lost their second bomb in the channel. Idiots hadn't secured it properly, and they didn't tell anyone there were bombs loose somewhere in the Channel! One of them washed on the beach and the other was never found. We only know about it because one of the girls used to go down there for a bit of fun and sexed up men are loose lipped 

The whole house would shake like an earthquake was going on and the electricity would dip out but it was great to watch the water flying miles into the air. I don't know how they got away with blowing things up there for as long as they did considering its the main drag into the docks.

Here you go

https://www.somersetlive.co.uk/news/somerset-news/ministry-defence-explosives-test-site-5588427

That explains a lot ,  i always used to wonder what was behind that gate whenever I passed on the bike.  When we were kids we used to go to Sand Bay a lot, our Dad would fish off the rocks below the toll road and us kids would entertain ourselves on the beach while our Mum had a rest (from us ).

One day at low tide we found what turned out to be an unexploded shell, we didn't know what it was but after dragging our Mum down to view it she called the police and they evacuated the beach while my Dad just carried on with his fishing

[boboneleg]

The Puriton reference was because I used to go there to collect and deliver ordnance (including TNT) when I was driving .  I think the site is flattened now but it used to be huge.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ROF_Bridgwater

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

1 minute ago, boboneleg said:

That explains a lot ,  i always used to wonder what was behind that gate whenever I passed on the bike.  When we were kids we used to go to Sand Bay a lot, our Dad would fish off the rocks below the toll road and us kids would entertain ourselves on the beach while our Mum had a rest (from us ).

One day at low tide we found what turned out to be an unexploded shell, we didn't know what it was but after dragging our Mum down to view it she called the police and they evacuated the beach while my Dad just carried on with his fishing

Im led to believe they were pissed up a lot of the time so lost quite a lot of bombs

[boboneleg]

2 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Im led to believe they were pissed up a lot of the time so lost quite a lot of bombs

To be fair it must have been a fairly boring job. 

I used to deliver to a site up in Northumberland where they used to fire small rockets and stuff down this long tunnel.  It was very remote and they had to keep enough provisions on site for 3 weeks as when it snowed they could be stuck in there for a long time .

I never really thought about it at the time but some of those places I used to deliver when we had the Royal Ordnance contract were very interesting.

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

3 minutes ago, boboneleg said:

To be fair it must have been a fairly boring job. 

I used to deliver to a site up in Northumberland where they used to fire small rockets and stuff down this long tunnel.  It was very remote and they had to keep enough provisions on site for 3 weeks as when it snowed they could be stuck in there for a long time .

I never really thought about it at the time but some of those places I used to deliver when we had the Royal Ordnance contract were very interesting.

I dunno isn't experimentally exploding stuff a bit like fire- always a bit exciting? Probably even more exciting after a couple of bevvies

[skyrider]

6 hours ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Probably down at the MOD place

i bet they didnt laugh 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

12 hours ago, skyrider said:

i bet they didnt laugh 

I don't know many people who wouldn't laugh at the sight of a bare arse dangling from a window