Your Funny Stories

[Sir Fallsalot]

@Slowlycatchymonkey your story reminded me of this one that happened to me. I was working in London in 2011 and out on the pop almost every night and used to get in a hell of a state. One night i got up for a piss and when i walked through the bathroom door in my room i found myself in the corridor totally nude and the door slammed shut behind me there was nothing i could grab to cover my embarrassment other than my hands and ended up having to go to the reception 3 floors down to get a spare key
A few weeks later in the same hotel the fire alarm goes off i get up pissed again goes to the corridor for a quick look and bang door shuts on me again except this time every fuckers evacuating the hotel and i'm there bollock naked with lots of people staring, i ended up having to get a towel off the same receptionist and standing outside in the freezing cold for almost an hour until the fire brigade gave the all clear to re-enter the building  my junk wasn't the biggest when i went outside but it was a hell of a lot smaller when i went back in damn it was cold 
Funny thing is the next day i was apologising to the receptionist and she said its no big deal happens all the time 

[XTreme]

3 minutes ago, Sir Fallsalot said:

@Slowlycatchymonkey your story reminded me of this one that happened to me. I was working in London in 2011 and out on the pop almost every night and used to get in a hell of a state. One night i got up for a piss and when i walked through the bathroom door in my room i found myself in the corridor totally nude and the door slammed shut behind me there was nothing i could grab to cover my embarrassment other than my hands and ended up having to go to the reception 3 floors down to get a spare key
A few weeks later in the same hotel the fire alarm goes off i get up pissed again goes to the corridor for a quick look and bang door shuts on me again except this time every fuckers evacuating the hotel and i'm there bollock naked with lots of people staring, i ended up having to get a towel off the same receptionist and standing outside in the freezing cold for almost an hour until the fire brigade gave the all clear to re-enter the building  my junk wasn't the biggest when i went outside but it was a hell of a lot smaller when i went back in damn it was cold 
Funny thing is the next day i was apologising to the receptionist and she said its no big deal happens all the time 

I did a similar thing in Dudley Leisure Centre in the mid 80's......walked out into the foyer bollocks naked.

I was stone cold sober though! 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

10 hours ago, Sir Fallsalot said:

@Slowlycatchymonkey your story reminded me of this one that happened to me. I was working in London in 2011 and out on the pop almost every night and used to get in a hell of a state. One night i got up for a piss and when i walked through the bathroom door in my room i found myself in the corridor totally nude and the door slammed shut behind me there was nothing i could grab to cover my embarrassment other than my hands and ended up having to go to the reception 3 floors down to get a spare key
A few weeks later in the same hotel the fire alarm goes off i get up pissed again goes to the corridor for a quick look and bang door shuts on me again except this time every fuckers evacuating the hotel and i'm there bollock naked with lots of people staring, i ended up having to get a towel off the same receptionist and standing outside in the freezing cold for almost an hour until the fire brigade gave the all clear to re-enter the building  my junk wasn't the biggest when i went outside but it was a hell of a lot smaller when i went back in damn it was cold 
Funny thing is the next day i was apologising to the receptionist and she said its no big deal happens all the time 

Brilliant stuff. When Im feeling brave I'll tell my fire alarm one. Until then have one of Mr Slowlys

Mr Slowly sometimes does a bit of sleep walking if he's been on the sauce and once spent an entire night asleep naked in fire escape stairwell. His room mate was also worse for wear and no matter how hard he battered on the door he couldn't rouse him so he had to go back to the fire escape stairwell and down to reception for a key. When the coast looked clear he lept out from behind a plant pot and told the reception/security he'd been asleep in the stairwell (mainly to disarm them cos it was a bit of a sight) and they laughed n said Yeh we know your on the security camera, we've been watching you

[yen_powell]

This is a second hand story.

In the old days at work we used to have quite a few retired policemen on their second career. One was a lovely bloke called Ron. Full of stories about his exploits in the Met traffic division during the late 50s, 60s and 70s, he was also a bit of a befuddled old gent occasionally as well.

The story I heard was that he had been out playing golf in the morning and had been on the drink as well and had had a bit of a tumble on the course, so was muddy clothed, faced and handed. He got dropped off at home in the early afternoon and let himself in quietly via his side door and stripped off and used his downstairs shower rather than spread mud everywhere. He then walked stark bollock naked into the front room to let his wife know he was home and walked right into the faces of all the ladies having afternoon tea with her. She didn't speak to him for about a week afterwards.

He went a bit senile in his later years and the last time I saw him was at a leaving do where he gave me a big smile and said "Hello Twistgrip". I gather he had me mixed up with some Police motorcyclist from the old days according to his wife who was also there.

[Sir Fallsalot]

@Tango's drinking story reminded me of this 

Many years ago me and the guy who is my boss now were working away from home and had been out on the pop all night as usual. this night i was a bit pissed off because he was chatting some girl up and i was left on my own bored, so i left him to it and went to bed. When he came down for breakfast in the morning he had two black eyes and a nasty gash across the bridge of his nose. I thought the girls boyfriend had turned up and given him a dig, It turned out he had got up for a piss in the night tripped over his suitcase and face planted the chimney breast in the room, funny thing is we were sharing a room and i didn't hear a thing  

[yen_powell]

A friend from work was having eyesight problems, had to keep getting his prescription changed. This actually turned out to be a benign tumour pressing on his optic nerve. Weirdly two people from the same office had this at different times.

Anyway, the cure is an operation where they go in up the nose and cut it away. My mate said he was very pleased he had such a big hooter because otherwise it is open up the head time.

When people went to visit him afterwards he had a badly mis-shaped nose and two giant black eyes. After getting lots of sympathy (and grapes) he said that he had actually woken up unmarked. His wounds were actually from when he stood up out of bed to urinate into a bowl (behind the curtains I should add), felt woozy, fainted and fell face first onto his bedside cabinet.

On the plus side, his eyesight returned to its usual state straight away. Unfortunately he had to buy new glasses again as he had thrown the old ones away at some point, not realising it was a tumour and not old age affecting him.

[Motobiker]

[XTreme]

Me and a mate got pissed up in Derby Leisure Centre in 1992 and piled into Edwina Currie's gateau before it was served up to her and the boss of Toyota.

They pulled off the lid when they served it to them and there were loads of bits missing cos we'd eaten it by hand!

But in my defence......

[boboneleg]

5 hours ago, XTreme said:

Me and a mate got pissed up in Derby Leisure Centre in 1992 and piled into Edwina Currie's gateau before it was served up to her and the boss of Toyota.

They pulled off the lid when they served it to them and there were loads of bits missing cos we'd eaten it by hand!

But in my defence......

You did a great job Pete, I hate that cow , she's worse than Thatcher

[XTreme]

1 hour ago, boboneleg said:

You did a great job Pete, I hate that cow , she's worse than Thatcher

And she was shagging Major! 

[Swagman]

1 minute ago, XTreme said:

And she was shagging Major! 

He gave her eggs salmonella.

[skyrider]

oh you mean eggwena 

[Catteeclan]

2 hours ago, XTreme said:

And she was shagging Major! 

He couldn't shage his own hand.

[yen_powell]

I had a hotel group email me claiming my footway (constructed a year ago) was stopping their fire door opening. Honestly, it's the slightest thing with these people!

Their desk staff were obviously not informed of this dangerous fact because I now have 3 lovely photos of one of them holding the door fully open for my contractor Jim.

 

[yen_powell]

Looking for a salary note I made a few months back and have since lost (I want a rise), a drawn out search uprooted this document buried deep in my personal documents.

Back at the turn of the century when we all had our own desk and PC I used to have my PC on top of the desk. Everyone else had theirs on the floor where they sucked in all the fluff and crap and whenever they had to check cables or connect anything they would crawl about on the floor and you would hear the gentle bonk of head on wood and the creak of knees and backs when they finally emerged.

My boss kept telling me to move it and I would just ignore him. Then the boss of my boss told me I had to move it. I explained why I liked it where it was and asked why I had to change its location, he said because I had been told to and that was an end of it. I asked what would make him change his mind. He replied that nothing short of a Papal decree would change his mind (he was a good Irish Catholic and a big bastard as well).

Challenge accepted I thought. I checked out the Vatican website and found that the then Pope had letters to various groups of people on there. I harvested a letterhead and saw the general style and knocked up what I think was a pretty good version of a decree. As explained in my Yen Stories thread, I was mostly known as Motorhead then, hence the reference in the text.

I printed it out, popped it in a nice envelope and using a red wax road marking crayon, I sealed it using a bit of ribbon and a foreign coin from my holidays. This then got posted in with the general mail in the mail room.

I was allowed to keep my PC where it was, the big fella took the joke in good heart.

[Sir Fallsalot]

To follow up on the Turkish restaurant it was a friends birthday so me him and another friend with the wives went to a Turkish restaurant in Cardiff for food and booze, it was quite an exclusive place and hard to get a table as it was so popular, everything was going smoothly until the birthday boy decided to sample the Turks local spirits which i can remember were bloody awful but i still drank them. The waiter was coming round with samples of some horrible powerful shit and every sample was aww god that's awful give us a round of that, the women had dropped out almost immediately. After a while we were dancing in the restaurant riding each other like horses kind of drunk yet there was no dance floor or music, then it was mentioned by the wives how loud and sweary we were to which the reply was very loudly if we want to fucking swear we'll fucking swear. After this my memory becomes intermittent i remember being woken up in the shitter half naked apparently i'd been missing for a while after which  i went outside for some fresh air which was a big mistake there was a large que of people waiting to go into the restaurant and they had to watch me hanging on the door spewing my guts up while trying to explain not to be put off by me as the food was excellent and i was just pissed i then staggered to the other side of the road where i continued to spew myself dry. I was on my knees holding onto railings retching when a guy comes over to ask if i was alright, i said i was fine and i was just pissed he said but your crying on your knees no i said i'm really pissed then the wife came over to rescue me and i woke up in bed with no memory of how i got there and no hangover but with a memory of events i'd rather forget. We worked out the three of us went though over £600 that night and that was probably over 30 years ago i was only earning £125 a week there is only one other time i can remember being that drunk 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

9 minutes ago, Sir Fallsalot said:

To follow up on the Turkish restaurant it was a friends birthday so me him and another friend with the wives went to a Turkish restaurant in Cardiff for food and booze, it was quite an exclusive place and hard to get a table as it was so popular, everything was going smoothly until the birthday boy decided to sample the Turks local spirits which i can remember were bloody awful but i still drank them. The waiter was coming round with samples of some horrible powerful shit and every sample was aww god that's awful give us a round of that, the women had dropped out almost immediately. After a while we were dancing in the restaurant riding each other like horses kind of drunk yet there was no dance floor or music, then it was mentioned by the wives how loud and sweary we were to which the reply was very loudly if we want to fucking swear we'll fucking swear. After this my memory becomes intermittent i remember being woken up in the shitter half naked apparently i'd been missing for a while after which  i went outside for some fresh air which was a big mistake there was a large que of people waiting to go into the restaurant and they had to watch me hanging on the door spewing my guts up while trying to explain not to be put off by me as the food was excellent and i was just pissed i then staggered to the other side of the road where i continued to spew myself dry. I was on my knees holding onto railings retching when a guy comes over to ask if i was alright, i said i was fine and i was just pissed he said but your crying on your knees no i said i'm really pissed then the wife came over to rescue me and i woke up in bed with no memory of how i got there and no hangover but with a memory of events i'd rather forget. We worked out the three of us went though over £600 that night and that was probably over 30 years ago i was only earning £125 a week there is only one other time i can remember being that drunk 

Oh dear all that curried mutton over the pavement I hope my sunday lunch fairs better, I was going to slow cook the joint overnight in curry spices, I’m starting to rethink

I also have terrible (hazy) memories that shamefully I’d rather not remember, but I salute on you sharing that cos I have far too many of them and none I’m brave enough to share.

Maybe the one about waking up gawd knows where in a pantry dressed in a naughty santas helpers outfit wondering wtf I was doing surrounded by condiments is tame enough although perhaps not.

Quality outfit though, bright red needlecord velvet and genuine white feather trim, remember it well.. cos I walked home in it with no shoes at 6am.

 

[Sir Fallsalot]

4 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Oh dear all that curried mutton over the pavement I hope my sunday lunch fairs better, I was going to slow cook the joint overnight in curry spices, I’m starting to rethink

I also have terrible (hazy) memories that shamefully I’d rather not remember, but I salute on you sharing that cos I have far too many of them and none I’m brave enough to share.

Maybe the one about waking up gawd knows where in a pantry dressed in a naughty santas helpers outfit wondering wtf I was doing surrounded by condiments is tame enough although perhaps not.

Quality outfit though, bright red needlecord velvet and genuine white feather trim, remember it well.. cos I walked home in it with no shoes at 6am.

 

It was not curried i don't like curry or Indian food this was just slow cooked mutton with nothing on it as meat should be bloody delicious 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

1 minute ago, Sir Fallsalot said:

It was not curried i don't like curry or Indian food this was just slow cooked mutton with nothing on it as meat should be bloody delicious 

Oops soz forgot you’re a devoted epicurean. 

Well heres summink you might enjoy.

While growing up and having my head filled with notions of British superiority one of the corkers they planted was that other countries had to heavily flavour their meat with spices and flavourings because it wasnt good enough quality to be eaten undisguised, unlike British meat which was grazed and slaughtered by the skilled on gods land.

Then I went to France, I dont think they were100% telling the truth you know 

[Buckster]

7 hours ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

 

Then I went to France, I dont think they were100% telling the truth you know 

You ate Dobbin.

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

3 minutes ago, Buckster said:

You ate Dobbin.

Nope Kermit and you’re more likely to unwittingly eat Dobbin in a ready meal in the uk.

[Buckster]

1 minute ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Nope Kermit and you’re more likely to unwittingly eat Dobbin in a ready meal in the uk.

I make everything fresh, I don’t even know what a ready meal looks like.

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

1 minute ago, Buckster said:

I make everything fresh, I don’t even know what a ready meal looks like.

Usually it looks like someone vomited into a carton.

[Buckster]

3 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Usually it looks like someone vomited into a carton.

You should stop buying them then.

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

14 minutes ago, Buckster said:

You should stop buying them then.

Me buy ready meals