Dumb ways to die.

[Pedro]

Possibly the scariest thing ever in my life just happened. As I was stuffing some cardboard into the recycling bin the neighbours cat screamed and flew from the inside right through the narrow slit and flew right past my face. I almost just died from the fright, gave a proper scream too.

[XTreme]

2 hours ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

they teach it on motorcycle courses when you do your licence now. 

Well in my day we didn't pay our dues by credit card.......we paid them in blood and guts! 

I acquired that bit of knowledge I gave you after I rear ended a VW Beetle in Swansea in 1971.......I ended up on the roof of the fucking thing actually.

Best days of our lives!

 

[Pedro]

Just now, XTreme said:

Well in my day we didn't pay our dues by credit card.......we paid them in blood and guts! 

[Sir Fallsalot]

35 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Bloody hell. I think a lot of us have experienced climbing stuff we weren’t supposed to and losing our footing or nearly slipping off something but that is next level On your own, no-one else goes there and carrying on. Tenacious yep, dumb way to die, yep right up there. 

Reckon you’re in the lead on a solid 8 out of 10 on that one but being only nine or ten years old you get 1 credit and can knock it down to 7 out of 10 if want

Bet you didn’t tell your Ma or Da

No I didn't tell them and they still don't know LOL

[Pedro]

Now I remember too, closest I was to dying was probably on a hotel room in Palma de Maiorca jumping from on balcony to the other. It was a short distance but I sort of slipped. Wasn’t using my best judgement there, and never felt like doing that ever since. 
 

was about 14 or 15

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

50 minutes ago, XTreme said:

Well in my day we didn't pay our dues by credit card.......we paid them in blood and guts and death.

Fixed

 

[XTreme]

1 minute ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Fixed

 

The best days though! 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

10 minutes ago, XTreme said:

The best days though! 

[yen_powell]

I had a job labouring for a roofer for a few weeks when I was about 18. Standing on a roof stripped of tiles there was strong gust of wind and I lost my balance and started to fall backwards, a few floors below me was a large green house. He only used ladders, never scaffolding. I had a claw hammer in one hand and I managed to hook the claw over a batten and stop myself.

"I nearly fell off then!" I shouted in shaky legged terror. He replied that if I did fall off I could bring up the next batch of tiles.

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

1 hour ago, yen_powell said:

I had a job labouring for a roofer for a few weeks when I was about 18. Standing on a roof stripped of tiles there was strong gust of wind and I lost my balance and started to fall backwards, a few floors below me was a large green house. He only used ladders, never scaffolding. I had a claw hammer in one hand and I managed to hook the claw over a batten and stop myself.

"I nearly fell off then!" I shouted in shaky legged terror. He replied that if I did fall off I could bring up the next batch of tiles.

Laughy face and

 

[yen_powell]

12 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Laughy face and

 

Same bloke could drive a nail into a rafter with one blow of his hammer, I was mocked for taking longer (tippy tap tippy tap is more my style). On the other hand I would have to go and get the box of plasters from his car every few days when he hit his own finger.

[Six30]

20 hours ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

A car. Small car, red, thats about all I caught cos I was otherwise engaged

Did the car stop or just drive off ? 
sounds like things could off turned out a lot worse , glad your ok 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

3 hours ago, Six30 said:

Did the car stop or just drive off ? 
sounds like things could off turned out a lot worse , glad your ok 

Nope they didn’t. Not surprised, they obviously wanted to get away as quickly as possible from their fuckwittery. 

The motorway runs through the mountains and the drop on the other side of the barriers was cavernous so yer definitely could of been worse

and thanks  

[DesmoDog]

As a young kid I was trying to carve something with a dull knife. I pushed hard, the blade let go and I punched a rock or something. My reaction was to pull my hand back. At which point I stuck the blade in my eyebrow. 

Stopped the bleeding, cleaned it up, my eyebrow hid the cut so I never told anyone. Scared the crap out of me, I haven't tried to carve anything since. A few mm lower and it would have been lights out - in that eye anyway. Other stuff has happened over the years but that's the one that scared me the most. Probably because it was entirely self inflicted. 

[Sir Fallsalot]

1 hour ago, DesmoDog said:

As a young kid I was trying to carve something with a dull knife. I pushed hard, the blade let go and I punched a rock or something. My reaction was to pull my hand back. At which point I stuck the blade in my eyebrow. 

Stopped the bleeding, cleaned it up, my eyebrow hid the cut so I never told anyone. Scared the crap out of me, I haven't tried to carve anything since. A few mm lower and it would have been lights out - in that eye anyway. Other stuff has happened over the years but that's the one that scared me the most. Probably because it was entirely self inflicted. 

Anything with the eyes is scary shit for me rather lose an arm than an eye. I have an eye story from on the bike but will have to wait until I’m home next week 

[Buckster]

7 hours ago, DesmoDog said:

As a young kid I was trying to carve something with a dull knife. I pushed hard, the blade let go and I punched a rock or something. My reaction was to pull my hand back. At which point I stuck the blade in my eyebrow. 

Stopped the bleeding, cleaned it up, my eyebrow hid the cut so I never told anyone. Scared the crap out of me, I haven't tried to carve anything since. A few mm lower and it would have been lights out - in that eye anyway. Other stuff has happened over the years but that's the one that scared me the most. Probably because it was entirely self inflicted. 

I once died as a kid but my mum just told me to walk it off. Kids these days are mollycoddled.

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

The last instalment of the Autovia hit n run carriageway dance. 

TLDR everything turned out fine. 

Both Mr Slowly and I were tired and weak from whatever that hideous coughing bug was so we’d agreed to lead half way each. I had only just waved Mr Slowly in front of me a few hundred metres back so I’d watched him disappear into the distance from the ground of the hard shoulder. Bugger, I’ve lost my muscle.

Given the hearing aids are tiny bits of black plastic, the motorway is the same colour and everything is spread over such a large distance I’m surprised I have all the parts for both of them, my pannier key and both sets of house keys in my hands.

In-spite of close shaves (that are occasionally still flashing before my eyes when I close them) it’s only then I realise how fucking stupid it is and go back to the hard shoulder. I’m pacing back to my bike as fast as I can but I’m fairly out of breath by now, I just need to get the bike back upright and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

I wasn’t particularly concerned about picking the bike up, loaded it’s well over 200kg but armed with many oops experiences on the Himalayan and jacked with enough adrenaline to propel myself to the moon and back I set about trying to right it. It was having none of it. The hard shoulder had a distinct downward camber and the bars were in the barriers so the bike couldn’t be dragged back and there just wasn’t room for me to get my weight under the bike to use my legs to lever it up. 

I tried anyway (he who dares Rodders) and made it worse, as I pushed, the front of the bike lurched further into the barrier jolting me forward for a close up view of the abyss, I didn’t need to that see for a second time and stopped. I text Mr Slowly to say I’d dropped my bike on the hard shoulder (no need to panic him with the truth) and that I was fine but could he come back round and help pick up the bike ASAP

As I stand there I contemplate how long I have before the police appear, if maybe someone might stop (that thought coincided with a fellow biker flying past my arse ) and briefly consider that Brexit could be my friend on this occasion as the traffic offences in Spain are no longer enforceable through the EU.

This jogs my memory about my hi-viz which I discover is of course stuck in the pannier that’s wedged against the ground. I prize the pannier open a crack and slide my hi viz out, it’s stowed in the lid so I only have to open it an inch or so, at least that was a wise move. 

Miracle, a van pulls over and a woman jumps out, she speaks no English and I discover adrenaline wipes out any Spanish I have but I understand she’s repeatedly asking if I’m ok. I say si repeatedly back and using the internationally recognised language of charades ask if she can help pick up my bike. We try but it’s too wedged. 

She shouts to the van and I’m relieved to see someone who’s as wide as they are tall. Although what he added to the mix was surprisingly little, the three of us watched wing mirror glass explode over the hard shoulder as we pulled the bike from the barrier. 

Still no popo?!! There were camera warnings on the sat nav continually as I was riding but could it be I crashed in between surveillance cams

Just as the lovely Spanish couple asked me for the 20th time if I was ok Mr Slowly pulls up and the couple look relieved their responsibilities are over. I manage my tenth Muchos Gracias mixed with some weird namaste type thankyou which I can only think must be hard wired from the last time I thought I was going to cark it and had to thank some Nepalese mountain man  

Mr Slowly is dubious about whether I’m ok but I insist the sweaty heavy breathing maniac he’s looking at is just my crash look 

“Did you see any debris on the carriageway?”  “No.” “Good we need to get out of here fast.”

I arrive at airport parking with the recent stupidity reeling around, dismount and have an overwhelming urge to vom but manage not to.

The airport parking bitch of the “you pay ten euros for bike charge” fame is all over me repeatedly saying “you never pay” I didn’t know if she meant you didn’t pay last time or you don’t ever have to pay but I wasn’t in the mood for it. So I sent her away. 

Mr Slowly hadn’t received my text. The biker who passed me had seen the Enfield with a Brit plate and flagged him down onto the hard shoulder. The language barrier meant the message was a pointy fingered “AMIGO” and a slap on his side, looking like he fell and the word “GO” pointing back down the motorway implying I’d been hit, which of course put the wind up him. Good on the guy though ay.

We got to the airport just in the nick of time after having eaten up the 3 hours leeway to pelt through security and passport control and find out the flight was slightly delayed, we arrived home on schedule like nothing had happened.

I would never have considered stepping out onto the carriageway if it hadn’t been for my hearing aids. I think it was so deeply emotive to be given your hearing back and then the threat of having it taken away again, it bypasses the logical part of your brain which if it had had a look in would have said fuck no!

I surprised myself, I’m well known for maintaining a psychopathic level of calm in stressful situations and don’t act before I think but I caught an eye opening glimpse of another world where not thinking see’s you finding a dumb way to die  

If you made it this far into a wall of text. Thanks for bothering to read it. 

[Saul]

Thank goodness you came out of that mess unscathed.   

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

18 minutes ago, Saul said:

Thank goodness you came out of that mess unscathed.   

Cheers Saul I fear may have used up one of my nine lives

[Saul]

I think I am down to my last 2 or 3 now.  

[Pedro]

What exactly are you so afraid that the police might do against you? You didn’t exactly have a chance against an impact from the rear, and they won’t accuse a panicking foreigner of retrieving their belongings from the road.
 

Also, women get away with everything 

[XTreme]

3 minutes ago, Pedro said:

What exactly are you so afraid that the police might do against you? You didn’t exactly have a chance against an impact from the rear, and they won’t accuse a panicking foreigner of retrieving their belongings from the road.

I was wondering that as well!

[Six30]

21 minutes ago, Pedro said:

What exactly are you so afraid that the police might do against you? You didn’t exactly have a chance against an impact from the rear, and they won’t accuse a panicking foreigner of retrieving their belongings from the road.
 

Also, women get away with everything 

She a drug smuggler ,

panniers full of class A …  has to be .. she’s loaded 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

 

33 minutes ago, XTreme said:

I was wondering that as well!

Really?

Firstly they would have wanted an explanation and probably a statement (particularly if it involves what looks like the shedding of an unsecured load) and I wanted to get on a plane and go home not spend forever fucking about with the police. 

Secondly running around the carriageway with or without a Hi-Viz is an offence, here in the UK of endangering others, suspect its the similar in Spain. 

Thirdly unless you live in a cosy world where the police don’t get things wrong and only prosecute the guilty you are better off wising up and getting the fuck out of there. Being innocent doesn’t protect you.

It was entirely possible me collecting stuff in busy motorway traffic was caught on camera.

38 minutes ago, Pedro said:

What exactly are you so afraid that the police might do against you? You didn’t exactly have a chance against an impact from the rear, and they won’t accuse a panicking foreigner of retrieving their belongings from the road.

You give the police a lot of credit that experience means I do not. 

It wasn’t that long ago we were were broken down and while 3 of the 4 policemen were lovely, the 4th was looking to book us, examining the bikes, going through our documents, he was a nasty piece and thats all it takes. 

38 minutes ago, Pedro said:

Also, women get away with everything 

Hmm different planets I think. 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

8 minutes ago, Six30 said:

She a drug smuggler ,

panniers full of class A …  has to be .. she’s loaded 

Says you moneybags